Moms with Teens

jennslost
16 yr old daughter is begging to keep contact with an on and off again 1st time boyfriend
July 30, 2013 at 12:24 PM

This mayb long to explain it all. Its been just me and my daughter for most of her life, I've got a live in boyfriend of a year and half now, he is very strict and doesn't understand teenagers at all. My daughter is a good girl, doesn't party or go out much. She met a boy last year and started getting close via social media and phone. Not much physical contact. The boy did not keep his promises so she decided not to "date" him but always had a thing for him. Well, he came back around a few months afterwards saying he wanted another chance to prove he could b a good boyfriend. She had never had a serious boyfriend and at 16 I allowed it. He lived 2 hours away with his grandparents but his mom lived n our town so on weekends he would drive up to spend weekend w mom and spend time w my daughter. She fell head over heels n love and eventually lost her virginity to him. She has always been honest with me and told me this. Well during this year of them dating he slowly started coming up with excuses why he couldn't make it to see her. He would make plans with her and she wuld sit and wait for him only to find out last minute he couldn't make it. This happened over and over. They began spending hours on phone argueing. She spent many times home alone crying over him. But every time believed his lies and forgave him. It finally got to the point tht I had to step in. They slowly seperated but remained "friends" didn't see each other but used social media and phone to talk all the time. Well my daughter is very emotionally immature, even for 17 bday is Aug 2 she will b 17. Has ocd andi think has created this fantasy relationship n her mind and all this time I thought she was getting over him she was building this idea tht they wuld b together one day, and he was building it filling her head with all these false ideas. Anyway, I find out the other day she wants to see him, I said no. Thts when all hell broke loose. She broke down, crying sobbing, my life is over. We r going to b together BC we love each other!! This boy sent me a text saying I can do whatever but ill never stop him from loving my daughter! I blocked his number from her phone and forbid hef frm seeing him. The boy is 20, she's barely 17, he has no job, not going to school and constantly posting things about partying. He sleeps all day and lets her down all the time. Do I stand my ground and go as far as I need to, even legally, or do I give in and let her see him and let her learn on her own? She's n my boyfriends home, who is against her dating this boy, she doesn't have license, job, or anything. She's more on level of 15 yr old and not 17. I dont want to push her to do something stupid, she's always followed my rules. I dont know what to do

Replies

  • Barabell
    July 30, 2013 at 1:02 PM

    I feel for you. My son isn't dating yet, so I'm kind of at a loss too. Part of me says to try to control the relationship and allow them to meet supervised, but part of me thinks it would be best to just try to end it. Then again, she's going to be legally an adult in a year, and if she moves out, she could end up making some bad mistakes if she doesn't learn what a bad influence he is now. I'm probably not much help since I'm at a loss too. Sorry.

    Here's a bump.

  • Not_A_Native
    July 30, 2013 at 1:30 PM

    She is 17.  At that age, I would let her - they have to learn sometimes.  Actually, unless it's illegal, I don't/didn't step into the kids romantic life.  My kids are 31, 23, 20 and 18 now, and have all had their heartbreak - but have all gotten over it.

  • MrsBLB
    by MrsBLB
    July 30, 2013 at 1:38 PM

    Sometimes they have to learn the hard way.  This is a tough one.  ((hugs))

  • ame4c
    by ame4c
    July 30, 2013 at 1:41 PM

    I agree with the 2 previous posters.  She has to learn what kind of guy this is on her own.  Yes, she will get hurt, but she needs to learn this leason to grow into a more mature adult.

  • drfink
    by drfink
    July 30, 2013 at 1:52 PM

     This is so hard for you but if you have tried to explain your correct POV calmly there isn't a lot left but for her to learn the hard way.

    I would keep talking but also make sure she knows you are there for her.

  • JessicaR7
    July 30, 2013 at 3:07 PM
    This is a tough one. It's obvious the guy is a loser and will break her heart or worse...get her pregnant. (I dated this guy and he is my daughter's biological father). My family tried to tell me he was worthless and I didn't listen. And my daughters bio dad is still a loser to this day.

    If you can keep them apart, I would. She doesn't know what us in her best interest. If you find she is sneaking around, allow the relationship and hope she will at his true colors and end it in her own.
  • billiejo79
    July 30, 2013 at 3:15 PM

    This is a tough one. If you forbid her to have any type of relationship with him it will just push her closer to him. I think if I was in your situation I would invite him over to get to know him and go from there.

  • bexsmum
    by bexsmum
    July 30, 2013 at 7:15 PM

    The more you fight the relationship the more they will fight to keep it together. Your DD needs to see his true colours and that won't happen if you keep trying to keep them apart. I have found that killing them with kindness tends to weed out the undesirables pretty quickly.


  • boys2men2soon
    July 30, 2013 at 7:49 PM

    I am trying to figure out why you allowed them to date in the first place?   You say your DD is emotionally immature, yet at age 16 (mentally 14, according to you) you allowed her to date a 19 yr old????

    I would set some ground rules.   Talk to your DD and explain that if he loves her so much, and wants the chance to prove it....  let him prove it.   She needs to understand that she deserves more than she got from him.    He can get a job, go to school, stop partying.   If he is showing more responsibility in his own life, then maybe he can earn the priveledge of dating her again.

  • jennslost
    July 31, 2013 at 7:51 AM

    Thank u all for ur opinions and advice. It is a tough situation. Do I enforce rules and stand my ground and hope she realizes things and moves on. The backfire could be tht she sneaks behind my back and things get worse. She has always pretty much followed my rules even when she didn't like them and for now things seemed to have settled down. I'm sure she has contact with him on fb but I'm not going as far as to delete fb. So all I can do is pray tht she gets distracted with friends and maybe even another boy. I know teenagers can hop from one life altering event to another like changing underwear lol. Praying I've instilled the things she needs now to make good decisions. She has a big heart and thinks everyone deserves forgiveness and second chances. Which is great but how do u make them realize that u only give SO many chances. She says u fight for love, oh my to see the world thru young innocent eyes.

Moms with Teens