Moms with Teens

17 yr old DD, Won't come home unless she is treated like an adult
July 28, 2013 at 8:50 AM

My daughter is 17 and has not ben home for 5 days this time.  I say this time becuase she has left home many time before and I have filed her missing with the local police many time.  This time however I did not contact the police because I know she is with friends and I do recevie a text either from her or her friend to see if she is okay.  

She says she will not come home unless she is treated like an adult.  I say when you start acting like and adult you will be treated like one.  Leaving home is not how you get what you want.  I just took her to get her first tatoo not 2 days prior to her leaving, something small she has wanted for years and meaningful to her.

We have a history of not getting along, becasue she is rude, disrespectful, irresponsibile and has no regard for rules or authority.  We have tries the conseling numerous times for her drug and alcohol use and to no avail.  her drug of choice pot and I find bottles of coke mixed with booze in her room.   She complains she is almost and adult and I shoiuld not be going through her room and grounding her anymore or shutting her phone off.  I reply what planet are your on thinking you can say what I as a parent can and can not do.  This is my house my rules.  I don't trust her.  She lies so much that I don't believe anything she says, I can't tell the truth from a lie anymore.

My rules are simple, - be home by curfew, it's summer so midnight, don't lie to me (which she does constantly), Be responsible and pick up after yourself, her room is like a scene from hoarders,  Earn my respect by doing these thing and you be treating the same.  Problem is she expects it without earning it.

She does have a job and when the subject of paying rent comes up she is if I pay rent then I have no rules to follow.  

Long story short, I am exhausted from this behavior and and I have told her she will be grounded and have no cell phone if she comes back home because she refused to even let me know for days if she was okay.  How do I discipline her, Should I ground her or should I do something else, she does not drive yet, so I can't take the keys and she says "why should I come back home to be grounded and have no phone".  

It's actully a lot nicer and less stressful when she is not at home and I feel horrible for saying that, but it's true.  I am waiting to see now how long before she misses the comforts of home and realizes what she is missing.  How long do I wait?  she sneaks in when I am at work to shower and get cloths  I am a single parent and S T R E S S E D!  she is the epitimy of a defiant teen....



  • shansa3fan
    July 28, 2013 at 8:59 AM

    When does she turn 18? I would contact your local juvenile office and find out the law, your rights and your duties. I know here, I'm required to provide housing and food until they're 18. If they are not 18, you can file a report with the police and consider her a runaway or incorrigable (sp?). Stand your ground. This is your house and you create the rules. If she can't live by your rules which sounds very reasonable, they cannot stay there.Where's her dad?

  • 02nana07
    July 28, 2013 at 9:23 AM

     Tell her fine she pays rent charge her what rent is in the real world and she is responsible for her own food and cooking it or she can eat with you but she has to pay for her meals. 

    If she wants to go anywhere she pays gas or buys her own car and insurance.

    Her cell phone is her bill not yours. 

     Let her see how much it cost to be an adult with no rules.

  • atlmom2
    by atlmom2
    July 28, 2013 at 9:27 AM

    Quoting 02nana07:

     Tell her fine she pays rent charge her what rent is in the real world and she is responsible for her own food and cooking it or she can eat with you but she has to pay for her meals. 

    If she wants to go anywhere she pays gas or buys her own car and insurance.

    Her cell phone is her bill not yours. 

     Let her see how much it cost to be an adult with no rules.

  • alaskamoms
    July 28, 2013 at 10:24 AM

    Her dad has not been in the picture since she was 2.  The police say I can file a wayward motion with the family court but that would mean going to court which is almost 45 minutes away and my car isn't exactly in good driving condition.  We live in a small town away from the city in the woodsy area and not much to do here and no real chain stores of any type without driving a distance.  She will be 18 next April.  I called child services and they said I can not legally tell her she can't come home, and when she is 17 1/2 the police will not likely want to file a wayward petition because by the time we get to court she will be almost 18.

  • luckysevenwow
    July 28, 2013 at 10:33 AM

    she is using emotional blackmail, sorry wouldn't fly in my house. 

    So here's my text to her (and yes I have been there).

    "I'd love to have you come home, but rules are rules, not based on age but courtesy. If these courtesies are to much for you then maybe it is time for you to make it on your own. I will not force you to come home, and I will not force you to be courteous, the ball is in your court. Just understand my house is not a hotel, so once you make your choice it is a choice you will have to live with for the rest of your life. Love you, mom".

    Now go out and buy a new lock for the door, they aren't expensive, and easy to install. If you rent make sure to give the landlord a new key also.

  • Barabell
    July 28, 2013 at 11:14 AM

    I loveluckysevenwow's advice.

    You mentioned a lot in your original post the things your daughter is doing, but not how you've been punishing her for her actions so far. How are you enforcing your rules? If there are no consequences, of course she's going to continue doing what she wants.

  • alaskamoms
    July 28, 2013 at 11:52 AM

    The consequences I have given in the past consist of grounding (usually a day to a week depending on the circumstance) and shutting off her phone.  Not taking or picking her up from work, not doing her laundry (but as I type this I am doing some now..   ugh) not picking up after her.  Cutting her curfew time when she is late, not buying her anything since she has a job.  Her response, "these have not worked in the past so why do you keep giving them to me", then she will ingore everything and do what she wants to do.  

    She says her not coming home is her "standing her groung" really?  Again my house my rules.  I would change the locks, but child protective services says I must provide a roof over her head until she is 18, so I can't really change the locks.  She would say I kicked her out and would not let her come home.  She can be manipulative when it serves her purpose. 

    confused and fustrated.........

  • 1lv2stks3nlz4ev
    July 28, 2013 at 11:56 AM

    She pays rent. She buys, prepares and cleans up after her own meals.Cut off the cell phone. And she has to keep her room and bathroom space up to health codes according to the landlord and tenant act.  She pays all her own bills. If she uses your car, that stops or she can rent it by the day from you and she pays for the gas she uses too.  Preferably she gets her own car and insurance.

    You will have to let go of curfew and chores. If she can't deal with those terms, she moves out. See how she likes being an "adult" then.


  • boys2men2soon
    July 28, 2013 at 12:17 PM

    That would not fly with me.    She is a runaway, you have not kicked her out of the house, so it seems to me that you can't be held responsible for her actions?     

    I would tell her you understand her position and if she changes her mind, she can come home and you will give her a key.    Pack up her things an place them on the front porch.    Change the locks.

  • lazyd
    by lazyd
    July 28, 2013 at 12:20 PM

    Change the locks and quit paying for anything, like cell phone, food, gas, etc.  

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