Moms with Teens

kara_pow
Sociopath Foreign Exchange Student - Update!
April 4, 2013 at 4:33 PM

I think our foreign exchange student is a sociopath. Here's the story in it's entirety:


A few days before Christmas Break, my husband, a high school physics teacher, was approached about taking in a 16 year old foreign exchange student immediately, as she was in a very shady situation. The home she was with was unsanitary, there was no food, she even said that they would not call her by her name and just referred to her as 'New Girl'. Horrified, we immediately agreed that we would do whatever we could to help, despite having a newborn and two older boys in elementary school. Within a day we had rearranged our office, brought in a loaner bed, bought new sheets, comforter, etc, and had everything ready for her. She arrived the day we were celebrating Christmas with my family, and my parents even stopped along the way to buy her a gift. 

Over the next few months we did everything we could to make her feel welcome in our home. We even adjusted our eating habits to support her pescatarianism. We heard horror stories of how she was treated at her other home. She told us tales of how in her native country she enjoyed going to clubs frequently, and drank with friends regularly even though the drinking age is 18 there. We learned how she didn't really miss her family. We were made fun of when we tried to pronounce words in her native language. She made fun of overweight people, or people who were unattractive. Not having much experience with teenage girls, I assumed it was just part of being 16. 

In late January I had a birthday celebration and we had a few of our friends over. I told her about the party and asked if she would like to attend, or if she'd rather spend the night with a friend. She said she'd love to attend and would enjoy meeting our friends. So, we had the party. A few of us had cocktails. My husband played some music. It was a small, great time. Towards the end of the night I noticed our exchange student standing in the middle of a room singing loudly. A couple of my friends approached me, saying that she had been drinking. One friend informed me that she had told her that I had said it was okay if she drank, as long as I didn't see it happening. We were shocked, as she had assured us that she understood that she was not allowed, and that we would not be okay with it under any circumstances.

As soon as we could, we called her program coordinator to report the incident. I wanted her gone. She'd shown us her true manipulative, lying colors, and I didn't want my children exposed to that. Her coordinator came to our home and we all sat around and discussed the incident. The girl admitted to drinking, but lied about how much. She was excused and the coordinator convinced us to let her stay, and that moving her AGAIN would be traumatic for her. We begrudgingly agreed.

Fast forward a few months: I assumed all was forgiven. We took her on Spring Break with us. We had found a rhythm all together as a family. We'd learned to look past her trash-talking. In mid March, we were informed of a new coordinator with the exchange program. I emailed her about the drinking incident, wanting to make sure that everyone was on the same page. Apparently, the first coordinator hadn't even reported it. No one knew it had happened. The girl was approached, she once again admitted it, and that was that. 

UNTIL.

The same day she went to one of her art teachers and told them about the horrible conditions she was living in. She spoke of being sexually harassed by my husband's brother (who is GAY) and uncle (who was never alone with her). She spoke of the birthday party and how everyone was smoking weed. She spoke of all the illegal things my husband does and discusses. All of it are absolute and total LIES. The art teacher had to report it as a mandatory reporter, despite not believing a word of it.

She was removed from our home that night. When the coordinator brought her to pack her things she was laughing and joking like nothing was wrong. She will be moved to her next family, finish the year, and be sent home. Meanwhile, we are facing a home inspection (which is fine, we have NOTHING to hide), and our kids possibly questioned about conduct. My husband might lose his job. She will spread these rumors about us to her new host family, as she did to us about the family before us. 

I am so, so angry. And I don't think there is anything I can do. She has absolutely NO regard for what she's done. Has anyone ever had anything similar happen? I feel sick about the whole thing, and could really just use some advice on how to calm down about all of it. :(


UPDATE:

Last Friday, DSS and the police came to our home for an inspection. My husband was the only one there, and of course our house was a mess. They asked a bunch of questions about the birthday party, and seemed genuinely concerned that there were 4 beers in the fridge and his batch of homebrew going in our laundry room ("Do your CHILDREN have access to this?!", etc). They said they wanted to come back Monday morning to talk to me and also our children. After freaking out all weekend long, we contacted a lawyer Monday morning. They advised that we were in no real danger with DSS, and that it sounded like everything was done, mostly. They went ahead and opened a file on us just in case this girl tries to start stuff again in the future. 

When DSS came that evening, we found out that the police were there on Friday on their OWN investigation, and that they had spoken with the girl earlier that day and decided really from that point on that there was no real case. The woman from DSS told us right away that she was filing it as unsubstantiated, but that she'd still like to speak with our boys privately. When she came from their room all she had to say was "You must make a mean steak!". :)

I'm so, so glad this is done. Things are calming down, my husband won't lose his job, and she'll return to her home country in just over a month. 

Admittedly, it's frustrating that she is still getting away with this, but our lawyers told us to just let things go so I'm trying to work on that now. :)  Thank you all for your support!

Replies

  • bizzeemom2717
    Jen
    April 4, 2013 at 5:01 PM

     Omg, I am SO sorry, that truly sounds like a nightmare situation. Here your family is trying to do a kind thing and you guys realloy get hurt in the end. I do think since you have nothing to hide the truth will come out eventually. I would try (I know it's hard I would be TICKED) nd realize this young girl quite obviously has some mental health issues, ugh! Again so sorry and best of luck to you and your family. Hugs!

  • AngelaBl
    April 5, 2013 at 6:05 AM

    I am sorry to read that. I guess that the cultural differences also can be a factor. I am stationed in Europe with my husband and I saw a massive coverage of a student who was sent home from Wisconsin because she had sex with a boy. Over there it is a crime. In Denmark the age limit of consent is 15 (but the rare thing is the lack of teenage pregnancies).

    In Denmark alcohol is also allowed when they turn 16 as long as the alcohol percentage is below 16.5 which had been researched to be safe for minors. (Remember Danes have been drinking for 1,000 years and alcohol is served on high school campuses after school).

    None seem to realize that the host mother had to commit a crime to avoid the boy from being publicly registered as an offender. The girl would have got off with a fine at worst and could have lived her life happily in Denmark forever but the life of the boy would have been destroyed. The host mother could have been jailed because she found out of the relationship by cracking the codes to the Facebook account the student had.

    I believe based on your story and the reaction to the Wisconsin incident in Denmark that it would be too dangerous for my household to open my home for any foreign exchange student regardless of where they come from. It is just my opinion. I am sorry for your situation.

    Here is a link from a Danish site published in english so you can see how they look at the incident:
    http://danesstudyingabroad.yolasite.com/blog/legally-adults-have-it-easier

  • Barabell
    April 5, 2013 at 11:01 AM

    I don't know what to say, but given her track record of changing houses should speak to your side of the story. Plus, you have all those witnesses at the party. I hope you're able to easily disprove the lies and that your husband's job won't be in jeopardy. Why is it a possibility that he'll lose his job over this?

  • kara_pow
    April 5, 2013 at 2:37 PM

    My husband's job is at risk because he is a teacher at her school. If he wasn't an educator, they told him it wouldn't be as big of a deal, but since he IS, there are a lot more hoops to jump through. I've heard plenty of stories of teachers getting falsely accused and not having their contracts renewed to avoid a big mess. That's my biggest concern.


    Quoting Barabell:

    I don't know what to say, but given her track record of changing houses should speak to your side of the story. Plus, you have all those witnesses at the party. I hope you're able to easily disprove the lies and that your husband's job won't be in jeopardy. Why is it a possibility that he'll lose his job over this?



  • Barabell
    April 5, 2013 at 4:39 PM

    I'm sorry. I hope the school sees through the lies and there is no issue with his teaching career at the school. Good luck.

    Quoting kara_pow:

    My husband's job is at risk because he is a teacher at her school. If he wasn't an educator, they told him it wouldn't be as big of a deal, but since he IS, there are a lot more hoops to jump through. I've heard plenty of stories of teachers getting falsely accused and not having their contracts renewed to avoid a big mess. That's my biggest concern.


    Quoting Barabell:

    I don't know what to say, but given her track record of changing houses should speak to your side of the story. Plus, you have all those witnesses at the party. I hope you're able to easily disprove the lies and that your husband's job won't be in jeopardy. Why is it a possibility that he'll lose his job over this?




  • boys2men2soon
    April 5, 2013 at 10:46 PM

    Is it possible to get reports from her previous host families?   It sounds as if you should get an attorney and shed some light on the Exchange Program.   This girl knows how to work the system because she gets away with it.

  • MamaSnaps
    April 5, 2013 at 11:08 PM

    OH MY GOD. Contact an attorney. You need representation!!! Contact the original host family and get the full scoop. Compile a list of notes that will include the incidents and anyone and everyone who can speak on your behalf as witness to the occurrences. But please, please, please!!! ON Monday morning find the best damn attorney in your area and hire him or her. 

    I know that any cry of sexual harassment in any school situation is pure hell and because it is in a school it is more guilty until proven innocent. While I understand WHY it is that way-if it were our children and it were happening to we'd want it to be that way-it's grossly unfair to the innocent in a situation like this. And unfortunately it does happen-a lot. Kids use it as a weapon without caring or even realizing the magnitude of what they are setting into motion. 

    I have been through something similar with my son-the school was actually able to prove his innocence in the case, but it's had a huge impact on him. You are looking at not being able to prove positive either way and that's downright terrifying to me. This is such a heinous crime in the schools that if you cannot prove 100% his innocence it can ruin him-even though there is no proof that he did do something wrong. Getting the girl to fess up is probably never going to happen and the damage is going to be done in many ways even if she does.

    I'd want an attorney going after the agency that you were dealing with-their negligence is a huge factor here.

    I'd want an attorney representing your husband in EVERY proceeding with the school. I wouldn't talk with ANYONE again. If the police want to interview-DO NOT DO IT WITHOUT AN ATTORNEY. If his boss wants to talk do not do it without an attorney! I can't say that enough. Do not talk to ANYONE without an attorney. I hired an attorney for my son after about a week of the whole fiasco and the first thing he said to me was "Why did you talk with anyone about this without calling me first?" He stressed so much how very important it is to have that representation even when he is innocent. You do not have to talk to anyone about this. Not even an investigator-so if they want to talk with him don't do it!!! When an investigator comes to the door and you are innocent the instant reaction is to cooperate. I know it was for me. The problem is that they can make your guilt out of innocent statements. Fortunately for us there was no damage done and the video's were proof 100% that my son was innocent, but for a week or two? I was terrified that they wouldn't be able to prove his innocence and we'd be into criminal and legal issues.

    I don't really know if I can give you any advice on how to calm down. I couldn't calm down for MONTHS even after my son was proven innocent. We still have problems with the parents to this day. 
    You need to do whatever it is you need to be able to get rest and care for everyone. Concentrate on that and on consciously relaxing so that you can function. I have a feeling that an attorney can help to ease your mind some. I know I relaxed a quite a bit after ours became involved. My prayers go out to you! 

  • MamaSnaps
    April 5, 2013 at 11:11 PM

    Where is this child from? 

  • kara_pow
    April 5, 2013 at 11:39 PM


    Ukraine, and thank you for sharing your story!

    Quoting MamaSnaps:

    Where is this child from? 



  • 02nana07
    Ida
    April 6, 2013 at 12:32 AM

     Sounds like the kid needs to be sent back before destroying another family something is wrong with an organization that just keeps moving them.

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