Please advise... asap!
Looking at my daughter's phone last night, since she has been on it a LOT lately. She knows I check her text messages, so I looked at other social media apps and all the texting she has been doing. She seems to be starving for attention from boys. She texts them constantly and freaks if they don't answer right away....super, super NEEDY. She told one how bad her life is, that her parents are fighting, she's "in a bad time", she doesn't know what to do... and that she is going to CUT herself. The boy is begging her not to do it, and she says "too late". This is all a LIE. She was on spring break trip with a friend when she wrote this! We are not fighting!! And she doesn't cut herself! I would know, we were just at the dermatologist and she had to strip down to her undies b/c of her eczema, etc. (sensitive skin). She doesn't cut, she just wants him to think she does! Now I know why she's wearing jackets & hoodies all the time. Not to hide the cuts but to hide the fact that she is lying. Then... after telling this same boy how much she LOOOVES him over and over, the very next week she has moved on to another boy....pestering him, flattering him to no end. She is also cursing like a sailor and gossiping BAD about other girls!
a little background...I check her texts periodically, and I thought they were a little "needy" before, but not this bad. She has been in dance since she was 4yo. About a month ago, we found out she has a fracture in her back and mild scoliosis; we are seeing a spine specialist next week. So, I know part of this is that she is BORED. She's not at the dance studio 3-4 nights a week. So first thing, she needs to be busier, but not in anything physical. I expected that she would be a little emotionally "down" for a bit b/c of this injury (although I have kept a real positive attitude about it with her, "You're going to heal up just fine, We got this!") Second, I plan to take away her phone tonight, but that will not fix the desire for attention...I need suggestions! I think my husband needs to show her more attention, tell her she's pretty, but that's just not his style... he's always telling her he loves her though, giving hugs, etc... My sons didn't have all this social media crap. My stomach is just in knots and I am at a loss of what to do.
March 21, 2013 at 12:35 PM
Thank you, anyone else have advice for me? I would appreciate it.
I'm gonna go with altmom on this one.
She is looking in all of the wrong places, and proving she isn't mature enough to handle social media or texting, for the time being.
Talk, talk, talk with her. Let her know that her lies can put your family in a really bad place. Kids talk and the last thing any family needs is people thinking the wrong things about you guys.
Then get her into counseling, this isn't something that will just correct itself. You need to help her find what is causing it.
Sounds like a self esteem issue, even though 13 is def an age where self esteem is tough, I would try and sit her down and calmly talk to her about what you found even though she will be defensive reiterate joe much you love her, ect. She has def shown she's not ready for the responsibility of a phone or at least turn the texting off for a while. Also, while she is young I really would consider counseling, mainly because if you don't nip the self esteem thing in the bud within the next months, not years at this age Mama what comes next to get approval from boys is having sex..you def want to avoid that.
by PurpleHazeyMarch 21, 2013 at 9:58 PM
Sounds like it is time to take the phone away
by MamaSnapsMarch 21, 2013 at 10:05 PM
I think I'd probably get her into counseling. There could be so many options to look at here. The attention seeking is one problem, the creating an alternative reality is another, then you could look at the desire to do these things-is it real or not and then the implications either way... SOOOO much. I'd have to ask for professional guidance on this one. She's at a perfect age to start an intervention as a preventative measure instead of waiting and hoping you've dealt with it right only to find out that it didn't work so great.
The mild scoliosis don't sweat too much. My son has a very mild scoliosis and basically they told us to keep him active and to keep his core strong-more exercise is good.
The fracture would worry me a little and maybe she's stressing-back to that MANY things here. She could be stressed and not even know it and this is how it's coming out.
SOOOOOO much that COULD be something or could be just boredom.
I would get her into counseling. Also since she does have time on her hands right now look for some non physical activities she can get involved in. Are there any arts and crafts that she is interested in? Maybe help her get started on a hobby. Check out your local library to see if they have a teen program. Good luck to you b
Update: We had a huge discussion with her last week. The phone is taken away indefinitely. She was actually talking to a couple of boys that she didn't know. "Met on Instagram". She knew better. Instagram account is being deleted. She knows she made a lot of mistakes. She went to school with short sleeves on and told the couple of kids that knew about the cutting that it was a lie and it was stupid of her to say that. She said she has never done it (I checked her all over) but she HAS briefly thought about it. I have an appt with a counselor next week for her. She doesn't want to go, but I think it will help once she gets started. Meanwhile, we spent a lot of time together this weekend and are going to start some gardening as soon as it warms up just a little. We had the BEST weekend without that phone. Even she knew it.
Go with your intuition here.
Is she just craving attention?Maybe she needs more quality time with you and your husband individually?
Dont do anything drastic yet...try going out and have a mom and daughter chat.
As far as her cell goes once you are out and or chatting...
Tell her you were in her room and noticed her cell and was upset about what you saw.She will be angry..but thats ok.You have the right to monitor your teen.Your home....your rules.Tell her you love her and that you were her age once and relate a story similiar if you can.Try to get her to open up.
Tell her its ok to have a crush....but you are concerned she needs more than she is capable of handeling emotionally at this time with boys.Also convey your concern about lying and cutting and why the need to tell such stories.
Be ready for a song and dance....but soon after she should spill all the beans.
Once you get and idea what is going on take the next step.No worries mama...hang in:)